Confidence.

If you hadn't noticed before, I am a girl. Like every girl in this America I am constantly surrounded by tiny itdy bity girls! This image is so ironic, because, my country is well the most obese country in the world... Not only is that weird. But, this image is also what is considered "beautiful".

Now, I am not FAT! and I definitely know that, I have huge boobs, a decent butt, and I do three sports. But, I have a tummy, and a muffin top. It really shouldn't bother me all this much, but I hate my body. HATE IT. It makes me feel so uncomfortable, and I feel unpretty.

Whether it's America's fault or not, I still feel this way about myself. But I am not just gonna sit around and get fatter, I am going to start tomorrow on a workout and diet plan. I NEED to stay motivated. If I have any readers at all out there, I hope you enjoy this journey with me to my confidence.

I am determined to get to that body image, not for anyone else but myself. I will do it the healthiest way, trust me, I do not want to be anorexic, I want to be healthy and skinny, and prove to everyone that it is possible.

patients is a virtue, and I have to remember these things take time. But, I'm willing to work to get it.

after all, I'm a hard worker.

Unfair

If there is anything I hate it's unfairness.

Let's talk about how much I do for this family. I clean, cook, GIVE EVERY CENT I MAKE, never ask for anything in return, and what do I get? Not even a fucking thank you, or respect, or any fucking freedom.

I work my fucking ass off, I keep putting off drivers ed because every time I have money I give it to you. I work so hard to keep my grades good, while managing three sports. ALL I ASK IN RETURN IS TO HAVE A FUCKING GOOD SUMMER WITHOUT YOU ON MY ASS 24 SEVEN.

I am grown, we live in a small ass town, I think I know how to stay safe. I don't understand why you have no faith in me. I know what's right and what's wrong. I've never said I was gonna be somewhere and be somewhere else.  I've have not partied at all, so whats the whole deal?

I probably wouldn't get so mad if my brother was treated the same way. BUT NO, he can do whatever the fuck he wants, hell he can go get a girl knocked up and who would care? No one, because he's a perfect child right? selfish, lazy, rude, gets bad grades... He's just amazing. Don't get me wrong love my brother to death, but when you treat him like the saint he isn't, while I'm over here working FOR YOU. It's ridiculous, I don't ask anything of you, but to just leave my the fuck alone.

By being protective, and smothering me, you're pushing me farther and farther away, WHY else do you think my sister left. She couldn't stand you two.

Just let me be, I am almost 17 and I can do this. Have a little faith. I am alowed to make mistakes.

After all, I'm only a teenager.

BiPolar

could it be true? could I actually be depressed?

Last night and emotion that I was not familiar with took over my whole body. Hysterically crying, dizzy, light headed, confused, lost in my own mind. I was going crazy. In my mind, all I could think of was I need help, I am scared, what has happened to me. Thoughts of being useless, unwanted has driven me down this ditch that I need help to get out of.

I don't feel like I have anyone to go to that would understand how I feel. So I just smile it out, I am just scared for the day that I can no longer disguise my true feelings.

The day that I can't bare it anymore, when all the ropes are cut and I am there to just fall. Is the day I fear the most. I am scared to fall under this. This sadness has complete control over me. When I close my eyes its complete darkness with hands trying to take me.

Am I psychotic?

I don't want to be that crazy depressed girl, but I sadly it's slowly taking over me. Yet, no one around me can see it. No one has done anything to try and fix it. Because No one cares about me, no one truly loves me enough to know that I am not okay.

I just need a friend.

what is love

Call me crazy, but if there is one thing that I could have right this moment, it would be love.

Love can be so overrated at times, it almost seems like that is what our whole lives revolve around. In search of happiness, and finding someone to marry and spend your whole life with. I didn't know what love was. Sure, I'd see it in movies, and television, even in books that I've read. But it never effected me once. I never craved it. Until I got a glimpse of what it felt like, and the power that it has over you. 

I know, I am young and naive, and I probably don't know what real love is like. But the greatness and confidence I felt when I had someone is irreplaceable. I never saw it ending, I saw nothing but a great future. Then it came like someone had just dropped ten nuclear bombs on me. and it was dunzo. All the happiness and peace I felt was stripped away in one second. I was bursting at the seams, everything came crashing down, fast and hard.

Now, I sit and watch life around me. All the happy couples, and relationships make me queasy, because it's what I had. Pointblank. HAD. Now, it's all I want.  

I don't know what is worse, going out and being surrounded by things that I can't have, or sitting here confined in my bedroom trapped with my own thoughts.

I can't help but to think back on the smiles he set upon my face, the laughter, and the fun. I was happy, and I was me. I don't know what has gotten into me. I am scared, and lost. Most of all unhappy, my heart hurts, and tears are on the verge of rolling down my cheek.

I just need somebody to love, for me to give my all to. 

 after all, I am only human.

Don't you think you ought to know by now?

You'd think that knowing me for my 16 years that you'd know me. That you know everything that makes me, me. What breaks me, how to make me mad, how to make me happy. But the reality is that you don't, you have no clue.

I am suffering from who knows what. It's written all over my face, my body language, my attitude. Do you ever bother to ask how I am doing. How I am doing at school. You'd think that you notice the effort and hard work I put into making you proud. I get inducted to the National French Honor Society and you throw the congratulation letter in with the junk. I get 8th in the state for a National test, and you don't even acknowledge me. At school, I gave up everything for one thing. One thing that made me so happy- and he left. Never did he give up anything for me. I should have known. Do you know how it feels like to be me? NO you don't. I am not confident, I am not skinny, I am not smart, nor a good athlete, I am horrid at singing and dancing. I'm just not that good at anything. Why was I put on this earth. Sometime I think that I was put here to be compared to people to make them look and feel better. I don't understand, I would go out of my way to make someone happy, but no one will step in for a minute to see me smile. Instead I have to resort to writing on this stupid blog to help get my emotions out. I have been through so much hoping that Karma would work it's magic. It has yet to treat me right. I wish I could be better than this. Sorry I will never be good enough.